Part 28: The Dark Lord's Fortress

Hello everyone. If you're in the United States, hope you're having a happy Thanksgiving. If you're not in this part of the world? Well, November 26th is a good day to celebrate regardless.



So, like I briefly mentioned last time, this is the point of no return for the game. Talking to Kyle will start the endgame sequence, and you'll be locked into it. So if you have unfinished business, now is the time to get it taken care of.

Because I obsessively do every sidequest I can get my grubby hands on, we're all set and ready to go. Unlike other RPGs, there are no new sidequests at this point in the game. So, shall we?

Video:

: Everyone listen up! The girls have agreed to fight by our side!



ALL: Huzzah!



: The pirates and the Federation factions are standing by to fight as well, my Lord!



: Then the time for talk is over! Let us all make haste to CLYDE'S HOUSE!











You can tell it's the end of the game, because there's all these "epic" establishing shots and camera sweeps.

: Today, we are not elves and humans!





: Today... we fight as ONE!



: What we do here now will be written and sung about on YouTube for days to come!



: Let us besiege the army of darkness with the courage of dragons! Let us delve their dungeon with swords and sorcery!



: Let us charge our shields and use photon torpedos to vaporize the Klingons!



: Kevin, god dammit. Every fucking time, Kevin. God fucking dammit, seriously.



: I'm sorry.



: Armies of justice! PREPARE! Ready?!



: And... let's beat up Clyde!





You have to wonder what Clyde's dad is thinking right now. It's never a good sign when your son's friends raise armies to besiege his backyard fortress.



: Dude, we are gonna wreck Clyde's shit.
: CLYDE! We're coming for you, Clyde!
: Let's get 'im!
: Let's go kill Clyde so I can sing about his de-- d--d-death.

: Our dark army will crush you to dust!
: Our lord and master calls for your head!
: We see the weakness in your heart.
: We are your darkest fear!
: Foolish mortal!
: Abandon hope!
: We're gonna eat your fucking soul!
: You're no match for our dark powers!
: The Dark Lord has granted us eternal life!
: Clyde has conquered death itself!
: I hope you like dying!
: The Dark Lord will triumph!
: No one can take the dark tower!

So. Welcome to the final dungeon, folks. The kid wearing a do-rag and stupid eyeliner is one of Clyde's soldiers. Anyway, things start off with Wendy injured in front of us. It's not 100% necessary to help her, but there's no reason not to.

: Ow! I'm hit!
: They- they tore my costume. I worked really hard on it! You sons of bitches are gonna get what's coming to you!!

: Is there anything you can do?

: Sorry, you'll need a paladin to help you.
: You're forgetting your station, Commander Douchebag. I am your king.

: Only a paladin can help you here, Douchebag.
: Oh yes, right away my Lord. Shall I lick your asshole clean while I'm at it?

: A bard is the best choice for any situation. Except for this one.
: You need a paladin here, Douchebag.
: You should leave the comedy to me.

: (I'm no help, I think you're gonna need a PALADIN to help you with this.)
: (You need a paladin to help you.)



: Your word is the command, my Lord.
: (obeying command) Yes sir!

: Thanks. Here, I got this for you. (she gives you SUPERHERO PATCH)
: We've got to get that bridge down while we're still mad!
: C'mon! Let's tear these jerks a new asshole!



: Remember: Nagasaki!
_{Phillip likes this.}

Apparently the Superhero Patch gives you +20% damage on your abilities, which makes it strong as hell.



Terrance's message shows up randomly after you get him and Phillip as friends, but it showing up here is a nice reminder in case you didn't go after the Crab People in the sewers. The green crack on these gargoyles mean we need to Nagasaki fart them apart.



: All right, it's down!
: Man, Clyde's base is weak.
: That did it!
: That was a mi-million to one shot!

: Charge!

: You take the tower from the inside! Me and the pirates are gonna scale it from the outside!

: Surrender or die!
: We're gonna cream you!
: Last chance. Drop your weapons and walk away.
: You jerks picked the wrong team!
: We've got this. Get into the tower!



The game wants us to sneak around the back of this tower. There's a small mouse hole we can sneak into. But before we do, we really should give Wendy a hand. Turn off their base defenses and we can beam right down and attack them.



Seeing as this is the final dungeon, the random trash enemies are suitably badass. This guy has probably the least armor of anyone in here, and he has more than the last several bosses we fought. Of course everyone still goes down like a sack of potatoes because we're just that awesome.

: You're not getting past me.
: (attacking) A sacrifice to our dark lord!
: (attacking) You're dead!
: (attacking) This is our keep, fucker!
: (starting fight) You will go no further!
: (starting fight) What a joke.
: (running away) Fuck Clyde!
: (running away) He's too powerful!
: (dying) Fool...
: (dying) Forgive me, master...

: Let's get inside!
: (Let's get inside!)
: Let's get inside!
: Let's get inside!
: Let's get inside!

Now we could enter the front gate, but that's an incredibly bad idea.



See that small crack? Yeah, that's the mouse hole I mentioned earlier. Let's duck in there.





: Ow! Fuck me that hurts! Ow!
: Fucking rats, why?
: Oh fuck I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding out! I'm fucking dead!
: (when healed) Fuck yeah! Fucking die, rat!
: Let's go, pussy!
: (kicks rat to death) That's for my brothers you furry fuck!

See that lighter next to the rat on the left? We can shoot it to flip it over, which also makes it produce fire. I'm sure you can guess what happens after that. Just past that rat is a small pouch.



The Dairy Council patch regenerates 5PP each turn. Not bad.



This green goo stuff has really fucked up South Park. Anyway, we wanna go left here.



If you go in the front door, the asshole up on the top of the screen starts launching rockets at you. There is unique dialogue for doing that however.

: Hahahaha.
: I'm gonna blow you up!
: This is gonna be awesome!
: Burn baby burn!
: Let's see you hide from this.
: Incoming!
: Bombs away!

We would then need to use Princess Kenny to get past the barrier.

: I- I think you might need a lady here.
: My bard powers are no use here, Douchebag. Try a lady.
: I- I can only heal. You need someone who can charm.
: Well I'm flattered that you thought of me, but I-I wouldn't even know where to begin.

However we didn't do any of that. Instead we snuck in behind the barrier.





This asshole in the front row has over 1,000 armor. See why I've been saying that the "ignore 60 armor" style patches have been useless? Great, we can ignore a whole 6% of this guy's armor. Alternatively, just set his ass on fire and make him bleed to death.

The Terrance and Phillip backpack in the background has some loot.



The Jewpacabra Claw destroys 100 armor on perfect attack. It would be more useful to us if our Dragon's Breath attack didn't also do the same.



Anyway, back underground and up the drain pipe.



The drain pipe lets us attack the cyclops enemies up here.



: Nice job Douchebag! See you at the top!

: We are the Dark Lord's mighty Cyclops!
: You shall not pass!
: Get over here!
: Oh, you think you're hot shit?
: What are you looking at?
: Get that twerp!
: The fuck?!



: (starting fight) My foot is going up your ass!
: (starting fight) Oh you are so fucked.
: (starting fight) You're gonna wish you were never born!
: (idle) Stalling won't save you!
: (if you die) Why don't you cry about it?

These guys are apparently a boss encounter. They are completely unique in the game, they get boss fight music, and they die like bitches because I set them on fire and put 5 stacks of bleeding on them.

Actually, you know that does pretty much qualify them for boss status. I should note that they don't have a lot of health. The guys we fought on the floor below, collectively and individually, had more.

: Yeah! Fuck you, Cyclops!
: Fuck you, Cyclops!
: (Yeah! Fuck you Cyclops!)
: Yeah!
: In your eye, Cyclops!



After beating the cyclops. Cyclopes? What's the plural of cyclops? Well, whatever. When I beat them, I noticed a treasure chest hiding on the first floor.



The berserker patch gives attack up at the start of combat. It's nice? The real prize here are the lawn darts. They hit three random enemies and inflict bleed naturally. Of course I immediately equip them. Gotta love that bleed damage.

Bleeding is going to stop being effective in the next update and remain so for the rest of the game So enjoy it while it lasts. Before too long we're actually going to have to fight bosses instead of beat them in three turns.



Moving on up...



: Nazi shit is everywhere! Clyde's turning the whole town Nazi!
: Bad kitty! That's a bad kitty!
: (Watch out! Nazi kitties!)
: Lookit! Nazi kitties!
: Those kitties look pissed off!



The armor values have been steadily climbing all update. 1264 seems to be it for regular enemies? Just remember, there was a time not too long ago when 20 armor on someone was considered tanky. Anyway, these are bog standard nazi zombies. That means they don't like having Pyre Ball dropped on them and consequently burn to death. Re-death.



There's two things to destroy once you beat the nazi zombies. The first is the support holding the platform up.



The platform itself is cracked and flashing green.



Of course, unleashing a Nagasaki fart has ruinous consequences.

: We've got your back! Pirates, help the Commander! (a rope ladder is lowered)
: Avast, Douchebag!
: Arrr!



We're nearly at the top of the tower!



: All right, here's the plan. Attack each tower and raise the gate so we can get into Clyde's lair! Maplebeard! Clear the path!
: Yaaaay!



: Fuck. You. (punches IKE)



: (cries)

Dude. Punching 5 year olds is not cool. Especially if you're that much bigger than them. Okay fuck this guy. Time to finish what Ike started. Fart on the rocket and...





: (happily) Bubububububu!

Ike and the little girl pirate will now spend the remainder of the game kicking the shit out of the downed cyclops. Ike also adds us as a Facebook friend!



The cyclops has the sticker that causes 100 additional points of shock damage on perfect hit.



Green cracks? Ruinous consequences!



There's a chest in the back of the destroyed lookout tower. The knight set has the same armor values as the Valkyrie set.



We blew the top clear off the tower. As a bonus, the falling debris knocked out all the enemies inside. Anyway, there's a wheel right in front of Douchebag here. We want to use that, which will raise the portcullis some.



Over on the left, there's some corrugated tin preventing us from getting past. But no matter, we can hit a lantern inside with our killer darts.



You know, we really should put that boy out. We can't reach him normally, so I hope he doesn't mind a fart instead.



Whoops.



The corrugated tin is invulnerable as far as we're concerned, so we have to teleport around it. But before you beam down, take a good look around. See that green shoe up on top of the screenshot?





Shoe is the 30th Chinpokomon in the game. It will occasionally straight up not spawn if you haven't sold (or stored) any trash drops for the entire game. Nobody is quite sure why, but in all the testing that people did in order to fix it, the only way to ensure it would spawn was to revert to a save back in the middle of Canada.

Oh, and see that barbed wire patch? We get that as a reward for collecting all 30 Chinpokomon. It gives you a 200 damage thorns effect. Pretty strong!

: Congratulations, New Kid-chan! You a-first to collect all Chinpokomon! You have big American penis. Japanese penis very small.

Well, I don't like to brag, but...

Anyway. Beam back down on the left side, behind the tin plate. There's a container to loot, and a wheel to turn.



The Shard of Clyde's Crown causes your attacks to ignore 400 armor per attack. This honestly isn't too bad, as you're ignoring roughly 1/3 of the trash enemy armor per attack. There are better patches to apply to your weapons, like anything that causes a damage over time effect.



Turn the wheel and the portcullis raises. We can also destroy the tin plate from behind.



Shall we enter?



Next time, folks. Next time we continue our trek through the final dungeon, and we fight a pretty nasty boss. See y'all on Monday!